I've done some soul searching over the past few months and have learned a few new things about myself and about others. It seems as though so many of us are searching for the same thing. Someone to love and be loved by, someone to cherish and be cherished by, someone to serve and be served by, and someone to be there in the thick of it all. It doesn't seem like it should be so hard, does it? They are very simple values. They seem attainable. You see the young couples with the smiles and soft words between them, and you see the happiness in the eyes of the seniors who have been with their love for 65 years or more.
My beliefs and values have changed with the rolling tides of my life. Battered and beaten by angry storms, my heart has ached and felt the excruciating, crushing pain of loss. Glowing with pride and joy, my heart has pounded with excitement and love. I knew so early on in my relationship with Ben that we would get married and have a family. I knew with all my heart that he was the man for me. I knew we would be the ones who would make it through the brutal storms. I knew it.... I knew I knew it. Until one day I became confused. And not in a "Brown shoes or black shoes" sorta way. In a deep, contorted, dark and twisty kind of way. The kind of confusion that makes you start to question your own sanity, your own clarity and your own worth. Do I love him enough to stay? Do I hate him enough to go?
At first, it was easy to stuff the questions back down into that dark and twisty place. And close the door. And lock it and throw away the key. But like Edgar Allan Poe's Tell-Tale Heart, I couldn't ignore them. They pulsed and surged and throbbed in my mind and as much as it hurt to think about them, I finally stopped denying myself that oppurtunity. It didn't take long before my heart took over and decided for me.
I had to leave......
The choice I made did not make me a bad person. I see many other couples struggling to survive, but out of fear of judgement and rumors, they stay. They stay in pain and in anguish which only grows heavier and heavier every day. The pain is visible on their faces and the anguish evident in their eyes. I chose what I chose based on my own beliefs and values. I believe I am worth more and deserve more, and I value my own self image and self worth far too much to allow it to disintegrate.
The more you deny yourself the chances to be happy, the more hurt you feel. You hope and pray and tell yourself it will all work out and that you're just going through a rough patch. Which, understandably, is very common and true with many relationships. There are always ups and downs. However, if the ups don't cancel out the downs, you end up with a negative balance at the end of it. And I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page as far as negative = bad, positive = good. Or so I hope anyhow.
Marriage should be a give and take relationship. You give, you take. Yes it is true that you should give more than you take, because otherwise it would be selfish. However, if one person is consistently giving of themselves and not getting enough in return, they will feel as if they are slowly emptying.
Picture a cup, for example. Ok OK! A wine glass. I will fill my wine glass with wine. I then take that wine and pour half into my husbands cup. I pour some in my children's cups (relax, its a metaphor!) Oh and some in my mother and father's and stepmother's cup. And my sister and brother's cup. Oh and friends'. Pour some in the work cup as well, because no matter what I do I can't get away from that one. At the end of the day, I have little more than a sip of wine left in my cup, which, unless it is replaced, will not be enough to stretch to do it all again the following day. And in your marriage, the one person who should help fill that cup is your husband, or your wife. Unfortunately, I was leaning more on my family and friend's to fill my cup than I was on my husbad. My cup was nearly perpetually empty. No one likes an empty cup, everyone HATES an empty wineglass.
So I have decided, while staring through the bottom of my empty wine glass, that in order for me to be truly happy, I must budget my wine and giving half of it away to someone who doesn't return the favor is counter-productive. I will no longer give half of my wine away, but better, save it for myself and my children. I will save it for someone who desperately wants to fill my cup.
So what I am offering up with this blog post, is the chance to take a glimpse inside the heart of someone who chose to leave. It's not often that people will take the time to sit back and listen to why someone is leaving their marriage. It's just so much easier to assume the worst and to believe the rumors.
I will always hold an outstretched hand to those fighting the same battle and enduring the same pain. The hand I offer is one of empathy and support, and not apathy and judgement. Heck, I might even give ya a little of my wine :)
